


Little Me > Big Me

by ypsese



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Music, Major Illness, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tears, Two Shot, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-01 02:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14510277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ypsese/pseuds/ypsese
Summary: Sequel to, 'Bottles & Teardrops'.





	Little Me > Big Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by so many songs it's not even funny at this point. My brain was having a hard time comprehending the amount of inspiration I was experiencing.
> 
> Lovely by Billie Eilish & Khalid 
> 
> Hostage by Billie Eilish 
> 
> Little Me by Duumu 
> 
> IDK by Matt Van 
> 
> Don't Say Anything by Matt Van

~

_As time progresses_

 

“Saeyoung!” MC cheered, rushing into the boy's open arms. Her smile spread to the corners of her cheeks, eyes glittering with happiness. 

The night sky was pure, swirling galactic blue clutching the evidence of stars. It’s pitch back, except for the rustle of the trees and the sway of the bushes. The wind is light on her face, caressing and intoxicating her unimpeachable skin.

His warmth leads her into a pulse of happiness. She feels her skin ache as his grin widens. MC has never felt this happy in her entire life. Sitting here, under the stars, with the brightest of them all, holding her in his strong arms.

Her feelings were beyond recalcitrant. No amount of pushing or shoving could change her, she was not wayward, she was unchanged, repulsed by the mere thought of not loving him.

Saeyoung was the noose around her neck. He was the necklace she wore snugly. He was her hands and her feet, he was the tattoo she would never regret. And although she wore her heart on her sleeve, he had never torn the fabric.

His mouth opens, thin, coloured lips moving and she feels her entire body shiver in an ineffable kind of joy. Mellifluously, he speaks to her, his warm, nimble fingers running across the pores of her cool skin.

 

_My distress grows restless_

 

“I love you,” He says, his honey coloured eyes pooling with something delicately luscious. Saeyoung Choi was beautiful. If a man ever could be, he would be dead centre, without a doubt the most cryptic and gorgeous being in existence.

His wayward hair blew in the gentle breeze. The stars glitter for a second before a wispy cloud passes overhead. The headlights of Luciel’s car hum on her spine and the warmth of the car purrs from the engine.

They are sitting by a cliff. The water crashes against the mountains. The boom of the oceans breath clashes on rock and sand. The grey froth simmering against the sandstone before retreating back into the waves.

The air is a bit chilly, but the arms around her waist kept the shiver from her skin. Her fingers thread through the fabric of his hoody, curling across the plane of his chest. She raps herself like a snug little present into the crook of his side.

“What is this about?” She whispers, her voice broken, scared that this is a dream. Her heart so desperately desired this image of happiness. Fabricated into the threads and webs of her mind, she held onto him so dearly that she was scared he would fade away.

“I love you,” He says it again like that’s the answer to her question.

 

_I falter as I try to fight_

 

“You did all this,” She clears her throat. “For me?”

The sunset is dark in the sky like a snow globe, swirling, brooding colours of romance. They collide, hold hands and dance across the stars like long lost friends. There is no awkwardness in the stars, no longing, no fleeting.

“Of course MC,” Saeyoung whispers against her neck. “I had no idea how to show how much I love you. It’s, ah, y-you it makes my blood rush. The stars couldn’t express just how much I love you,”He clicked his tongue in frustration. “It’s so difficult to describe.”

The murmur of the breeze sends a shiver through her. Saeyoung is looking down at her, his eyes shaking and glazed. His hands tremble on her body, his lips quivering and his cheeks blushed red.

Her heart sped up, thundering in her chest. She felt red burn down her neck. The tinge to her ears was hidden behind a mask: a big, mirthful smile. She felt an inexplicable, implausible happiness surge through her bones.

No words could describe the flittering, flying feeling inside of her. Bundles of warmth all hugging each other inside her chest. Her hands come to his neck and she leans up, their lips meet in a desperate and passionate kiss.

 

_The fright of tomorrow_

 

“S-Saeyoung,” She felt tears, the tears of so much bottled up frustration and love tremble down her cheeks. The innocent skin is broken by a shred of emotion.

“God I love you.” She sighed against his lips, and he took her into his arms and squeezed the life out of her. Her bones clanged and clicked and she felt like she was soaring. A laugh slipped from her lips as she kisses him again, this kiss is less intense and more gleeful. She felt the contraction of her heart thump against his, like a metronome.

“This is the loveliest thing someone has ever done for me.” MC breathes out, looking around at the silenced waters and the wispy air. A song thrums from the inside of Saeyoung’s car, beating like a drum.

“Seriously?” Seven questions, his lips turning into a frown. She didn’t like when he frowned, he had such a wonderfully gorgeous face. His lips looked sweeter than this entire romantic date, except for when he chewed on them. Her hand that sat on his bicep came to the side of his chest

“‘Seriously’ what?” MC asked, her fingers looping through his as she looked up at him, her eyes tracing his lips hungrily. His skin is blanched but his cheeks are still red, he looked a bit ghoulish, almost surprised by her comment.

 

_As age turns the pages_

 

“No ones did something like this for you before?” He purses his lips, looking down at her in frustration. There were so many things that Seven didn't know about her, so many hidden truths, so many untold secrets. He needed to know her, he wanted to know her, but he’d been so focused on himself. 

“…No?” Was her meek reply, ducking underneath her eyelashes and batting them carefully, a look of confusion spelling across her lips.

Saeyoung can’t help but frown. How had someone else not snapped her up and tucked her away? Had she not been treated like she was supposed to be? How could someone so goodhearted be left in the dust? It made him angry, and his lens fogged up from the rather hasty puff that left his lips.

“I went through a dark place of self-discovery Saeyoung,” MC says softly, her eyes gazing over the candlelight as it flickered. “It took me a long time to realise that the people to keep close to you are the ones who like you for who you are, not what you appear to be, or what you could be.”

Seven was speechless. He’d never heard her speak so effortlessly. Before, she seemed to swallow down her opinion, chew on her lip and hesitate before speaking. But now, she was saying exactly how she felt.

“You have to understand someone before you can love them, I might’ve seemed naive around you. But I just knew, and I was adamant about making you happy, no matter the cost.”

Saeyoung’s heart leapt and twisted in his stomach. “MC…you…and I, we…” His face flushed bright red and he looked down at his fingers. "Gah! You can’t say stuff like that, I’m gonna go into cardiac arrest.”

 

_Pictures get blurred, old faces fade_

 

“Graciousness is a gift Saeyoung, and I know that it’s hard for you to open up and validate your feelings. But this is the most personal thing someone has ever done for me, and I adore it.” MC looks bewildered by her feelings. 

Seven could not help himself, he grinned at her. He hadn’t known this side of MC before. Normally, she hid her feelings behind vague remarks and sweet smiles. She had that selfless tendency to put everyone above herself.

No one would know her anguish in the middle of the night. No one would comfort her because they thought she was incapable of feeling sadness. But Saeyoung knew that no human could stand on their feet and take a barrage of misfortune without at least stumbling.

“The sky is dark tonight…” MC remarks, laying her head against Seven’s chest. He feels like a drum, a hummingbird flying around inside his skin.

The miles in between the service of her love, they worked up to the stairway of Saeyoung’s heart, his fragile, big heart. His face is a marvel, his life is a gift. It relieves her mind of the cynical. And when he smiles at her, she feels her veins flittered.

“Let’s get married at the space station, MC.”

 

_How could I lose you?_

 

She watches the stars get swallowed up by a big, dark cloud. The once bright, twinkling stars disappearing into the cold night. Their sparkle faded, twisting and morphing into the background of the deep sky.

The stars tremble in the night, falling from their plateau and gliding across the horizon like tears. They drop to the ground and bleed into the grass, shimmering like fireflies.

They sit near the cliff edge, not enough to feel fear or adrenaline, but enough to hear the waves roar angrily and churn.The grass hugs her feet, wrapping around her ankles and swaying in the breeze of the night. 

Her legs could dangle near the edge if she wanted them to. Dangle like a puppet on lose thread.

Dangle…

Heart made of glass, her mind of stone , t ear her to pieces, skin to bone.

 

_And all that's left of me_

 

Seven is thrown out his nightmare and he shrieks. Disorientated, discombobulated and drowning in his tears. His hair is damp, chest rattling, begging for air. His fingers curl through the sheets and he gasped back to reality.

For a fleeting moment, he had ignorant bliss. He is confused, unsure and staggering into darkness. Then the havoc came crashing in. Those threaded memories came flooding back like a punch but much more excruciating. Pain clawed down his chest, cutting him dry.

He flinched at the image of her gruesome body dangling came to his mind harrowingly. His heart shattered a little bit more in his chest and cracked away, lodging and embedding the cold pieces into his flesh.

His chest takes a while to still, anxious panting awakening his system to full capacity. His eyes feel like led and they were webbed with red. The warmness has been robbed from his eyes, they glaze over with a shell of water, trembling at the edges.

Just a dream, he tells himself. Knowing full well that it wasn’t. It was a nightmare of bliss. A willing hostage inside his head. A throbbing, aching darkness that danced around the imprisonment of his thoughts, bored.

If it were a reality, she would be alive. Not buried in a casket. Not hanging from the ceiling of Rika’s apartment. Not tearing a hole through his heart and letting him bleed.

 

_Is nothing without you_

 

He hated his dreams. Teasing and mocking his desire for happiness that he so desperately craved. How could he ever feel joy again? How was he supposed to move on when she was his reason to walk. Why did she have to go?

Just a dream. But, God, did it hurt. The silver of his necklace burns like dry ice against the dull ache in his chest. His skin begins to burn from the constant throb of his heart. But as it begins to subside and his breathing calms down, he is hit with an angry vengeance of relentless melancholy.

Like a wave, but it wasn’t gentle and soft, the kind of warm water that could run through your fingers. It had the strength of a thousand men, it could level a skyscraper. It would ruin him.

He had cried for hours when the police had taken her away. To the morgue he assumed, but after that thought, his heart had cracked straight down the middle. He didn’t want to know where her lifeless body was going, he wanted her back, and his hysteria proved it so.

After the crying came the weeks of uninterrupted silence. He couldn’t cope with the feelings strangling around his neck, so he shut down. He couldn’t cry no matter how hard he tried. And he would hit himself constantly, begging and moaning in sorrow.

_Why? Whywhywhywhy did you leave me?_

 

_My innocence, my brittleness, my mirror_

 

A dagger of hurt punctures his chest and finally, the floodgates snap.The rusty cage that hovered over his heart disintegrated and he was left open. He sobbed, a cry ripping through his throat.

His fingers run through his hair, only for his dull fingertips to dig into his scalp, feeling the pain beat under his touch.

Saeyoung wants to drag down the tabs of his skin, pull his brain apart and drown himself in his tears. Crack his own skull open and spill all his thoughts with the pain that pulses and beats within him.

His shoulders shudder, his gut wrenches, his skin burns. The image of her dangling haunts him every waking movement, even in his dreams, he can’t escape. The pain scars too deep in the shrapnel of his heart, across the front like he was struck by lightning.

He wails and cries, burying his head in his hands he falls sideways in the sheets, tears spilling onto the white blankets. His skin feels like lava and it seeps into his flesh and burns his bones.

This wasn't what he wanted, wasn't what he planned for them. No, he wanted her to live, to flourish, to love. He wanted to protect her. He loved her, so God damn much…and where was she.

6 feet under…

 

_Little me_

 

There were photos of her everywhere. Not just sketched into the inside of his eyelids, and not flashes of colour in his peripheral vision.

There were portraits of her smiling face, grinning with bright eyes. There were images of her as a little girl, playing at the pool, wrestling her dog and kicking a ball.

There were people he didn’t recognise, people that wept in corners and others that held each other. There were little children, standing near their parents and staring at the portrait of MC with big eyes.

There was another photo of MC, drawn to perfection. But she looked older, in her twenties, around the time she joined the RFA. Comparing that photo of her to the younger one of her, when she was a teen, it was apparent she wasn’t okay.

Saeyoung felt his heart crumple and twist.

Even in the image, she looks sad and silent. Her lips woven into a straight line. There is a veil of gloom that settled over her every aspect. Her good-natured humour vanishes from the glitter in her eyes. The patience in her smile wears thin.

 

_Do I miss you? Do I miss you?_

 

Around the room, people hummed lowly with chatter. Her casket sat at the front, surrounded by beautiful pictures of her smiling face.

The dark oiled-stained floor. The cold wooden benches lined across the hall. The white-washed walls with their threadbare maps and faded pictures. It was strange, unfamiliar and it made Saeyoung’s stomach curl.

Seven hated funerals. He decided this swiftly. He despised them. The first hour of the service was horrid. Constants sobs would sound from across the hall and echo across the woods of the walls.

There are congenial, pleasant people that he’d never met before. Men his age, good-looking families, well-dressed ladies, impressive men and lovely little children.They go up to the stand and give a heartbreaking speech about how special MC was and how tragic this loss is.

Saeyoung had never met her mother, they’d spoken over the phone once and she seemed lovely. But everyone is so exposed to this atmosphere. Her cheeks are constantly glistening, the metallic wails that escaped her throat sent shivers through him.

Her step-father’s proud figure seemed to grow slack as the heaviness weighed down on his shoulders. His silences at the stand grew longer and longer, shadows crept under his cheekbones.

 

_Good god, I do_

 

His famous wit that everyone talked about, how MC had gained such a quick mind. It was a caustic, his smile was a rarity. His skin was weary, wrinkles lining his forehead, his eyes glassy and weak. 

When he spoke, his voice rumbled deep like a trombone, teetering between tears and broken sobs. Saeyoung wondered what had happened to her actual father, what had gone wrong, and why didn't he know what happened in the first place.

The portraits of MC’s beautiful face suddenly seemed teasing, she was just smiling so innocently. Didn’t she know?

They spoke about her childhood and a corresponding photo would appear on the screen. Images of her laughing, a blur of action and others of her playing sport. There was a video of her singing‘Paradise’ by a band called Coldplay on the piano, he’d never heard of them before, but he was going to binge their songs when he got home.

Anything to feel closer to her.

There were shots of her with her friends, kicking soccer balls, shooting hoops and laughing their heads off in the library. Blurred snaps of her on stage performing. Videos of her practising lines for school musicals, others where she’s playing with little kids, teaching them soccer tricks.

In every photo, she beamed a smile so sweet his heart burned. He couldn’t stop the tears.

 

_How could I lose you?_

 

They went over her inheritance. The money she’d gotten from passed relatives, the stuff she’d put away. Saved up for a rainy day that never came. There was no surprise that small sums had been separated throughout her nieces and nephews.

There were messages from her loved ones, small notes written by the children in scraggly writing. They jerked at his heartstrings, screaming at him to make a move, step up to the stand and say something.

But he couldn’t.

He was too broken to even move from his seat. Paralysed in fear.

He was the useless boyfriend. The one who hands found her. The one who hasn’t done anything. He could see it in her mothers smile, he knew she resented him, just the tiniest bit, enough to make his lips quiver.

He was a dot, a spec in the reality of her world. He had not realised just how many people she had touched with that special smile of hers.

 

_So easily, so easily_

 

The photos of her smile were haunting and traced him wherever he looked. The tune of her soft voice made his nose burn and chest ache. He would never be able to feel like that again, it was implausible. 

They spoke about MC’s childhood, a story Saeyoung had never heard of before. They talked about the abuse she had suffered at the hands of her real father, the eating disorder she went through, the self-harm, the scares they had.

Saeyoung felt claws sink deep into his heart and ident it. Eating disorders? Abuse? Oh God, she’d gone down this path before and her family had been there to help her. Where had Saeyoung been?

The bankruptcy of the stores, importing Russian tea, English wool, French soaps, American cotton, German wine. Buying all these handmade, expensive crafts against the profit of selling them at a high price had caused her family financial trouble.

They had to sell the store and move into a flat. Even then MC never frowned, she kept her head high and marched on. She persisted and helped in any way she could, she never gave up. That was just the kind of person MC was. So to see her life end like this is a tragedy like no other.

“And for…Saeyoung Choi, her loving boyfriend,” her mother's voice chokes up with anger and sadness, tears swell in her eyes. Seven feels his heart leap and his eyes jump up from staring at his lap, they lock eyes. He shudders.

 

_You slipped away from me_

 

“ᴛᴏ ꜱᴀᴇʏᴏᴜɴɢ,” her voice is mousy and if there hadn’t been a microphone, no one would’ve heard her speak. 

 

ɪ'ᴍ ꜱᴏʀʀʏ. 

 

ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ this ɪꜱɴ'ᴛ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ʙᴇ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ. 

 

ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴀᴄʜɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ. I tried so hard to live for you, 

 

and I’ll give you all I am worth.

 

ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ꜰᴏʀɢɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ.

 

ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ. 

 

_Now you reside in my dreams_

 

Crying, crumbling to the floor, getting called to the stage and being welcomed into the families embrace. 

It was all a blur of colour and tears meshed together. 

He sees Saeran in the corner of his eyes and his heart squeezes.

He is broken, the aqua in his gaze isn’t comforting. He feels wrong.

He feels misplaced.

He feels numb.

 

_Far out of reach, my reach_

 

_~_


End file.
